


Exile

by Kattwyllie



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Explicit Language, F/F, mention of suicide, mentions of assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:14:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29700405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kattwyllie/pseuds/Kattwyllie
Summary: Song prompt: Exile by Taylor Swift, lyrics are italicized
Relationships: Rita Calhoun/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Exile

Rita stepped out of the meeting room alongside Olivia, glancing around the bullpen. She’d just made a plea deal for her client with Barba and had been hoping to catch even just a moment with you before darting back to the office. Usually it was just you who was overworked and underpaid by the NYPD, but right now it seemed crime had decided to take a huge spike and both of you were incredibly overwhelmed with the amount of cases on your plates. She’d cut a few deals here and there but also knew the scale of defence that her clients deserved, or at least that they were paying for. It was safe to say that the apartment had begun to clutter with take out containers, the fridge empty and piles of paperwork scattered throughout (though it was separated, Rita’s in her office and yours in the kitchen). With the way your hours had been skewed with all the extra cases she felt like she hadn’t seen you in weeks, the bed empty and cold when she both got into and out of it.

“Porter here?” She asked the Captain, pausing briefly in the bull pen.

“Uh yeah.” Liv sighed, “bunk room. Was at the hospital all night, the vic freaked every time she tried to leave, I told her to try and get some sleep.”

“Thanks.” Rita gave a tilt of a nod before turning and heading to find you. 

She slipped into the bunk room silently, glad to find that you were the only one in it. Not that it truly mattered, your relationship had been disclosed within the first week, and that was four years ago. She simply wanted a moment alone, a moment not surrounded by criminals and case files. As usual you were curled up in the far corner, wearing a far too large NYPD hoodie to try and stay cozy in the chilled room.

Rita lightly perched on the edge of the bed, gently smoothing your hair back from your face. Even in your sleep you looked absolutely exhausted, the bags under your eyes much darker than the last time she’d seen you. You stirred slightly at the warmth of her hand on your skin, thumb soothingly stroking across your cheek.

“Hi baby…” you murmured, melting into her touch, though your eyes stayed closed, trying to hold onto the very much needed sleep.

“You greet everyone like that?” She half teased and you grinned.

“No one in this building makes enough money to buy Baccarat Rouge.” You commented, mentioning her perfume and she snorted, rolling her eyes.

“Do you think you’ll be home tonight?”

“Dunno..” you sighed heavily, rolling onto your back as you cracked open your eyes, “it’s still all hands on deck and Liv just sent Rollins undercover.”

“Well don’t wear yourself out,” her hand stroked at the side of your face, “you look about a day away from burnout.”

“Hey, if it wasn’t for the Prada you’d look like crap too.”

“Please.” She scoffed.

“I mean it, when was the last time you ate?”

“On the way here. Picked up from Cornerstone, yours is on your desk.”

“Thank you.” Smiling, you pushed up to sitting, nuzzling into her side for a moment before giving her a tender kiss. “You really do look exhausted baby.”

“You know I don’t sleep as well when you’re not there. I worry about you.”

“I know.” You laid a kiss on her shoulder, “know that ninety percent of the time I’m not gallivanting after crooks in the street, I’m stuck doing paperwork.” She chuckled at that, relishing in the moment of a small embrace. Both of you trying to suck as much affection out of a stolen minute of time, it was only a matter of seconds before her phone went off and you both groaned out a sigh.

“Moraine just got here, time to go argue with Barba again.”

“Moraine?” Your face fell, “ _Rita_ ….” she sighed again, stroking down your arm.

“I take it the vic you were with all night was for this case.”

“Yeah..and she’s nine”- you cut yourself off, pausing and shaking your head, “no. We made a deal…go do your job.” You could see the unspoken words written in her eyes as she caressed your cheek, pulling you into a tender kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” You murmured in reply, pecking her once more. “I’ll do my best to be home tonight.”

“Thank you.” She squeezed your hand as she stood, “now try and get some rest. I can’t have my girl looking like a mess.” She smirked and you rolled your eyes, dropping back down onto the bed again, curling around yourself, you were out before she even shut the door.

*

It was just hitting dinner time when Rita got the text that you wouldn’t be home, a single line with a brief ‘ _sorry’_ at the end. She huffed in offence, her phone dropping down onto the desk of her home office before she ran her hands over her face. Half grumbling she pushed up from the chair, at least if you weren’t coming home she could work in the living room, the worry of keeping paperwork hidden not mattering anymore. 

It wasn’t just the clipped message from you, or the lack of sleep, all of this overworking had nearly began to drive a wedge into your relationship. You missed each other constantly, hating that more than half the time you saw each other was in a courtroom or precinct, unable to show a drop of affection. Each day since becoming exclusive you’d fought for each other, knowing that it wasn’t going to be easy being a detective and a defence attorney who regularly worked together. That’s why you’d put the rule in place of not talking joint cases with each other, the first one had nearly blown up your relationship less than an month in.

Sighing, Rita poured herself a hefty glass of scotch. She moved your case files onto the small kitchen table and spread her paperwork across the island as she continued to scribble on legal pads. All she’d wanted was for you to actually come home tonight, able to bury into each other’s arms, zone out with some crappy television and actually fall asleep together again.

*

Not that you were having the time of your life or anything, and this time it wasn’t just paperwork. Lily, the vic from the Moraine case had been discharged from the hospital and they called SVU to figure shit out. Her father was her abuser, her Mom had died a few years back and there was no other family in the county. You’d originally sorted out a placement with child services, Lily waiting with you at the precinct while you went over some of the things she’d have to go through in the trial with Barba. Naturally, she threw far too big of a fit when they tried to take her, the exhausted agent simply let her go and said ‘ _deal with it_ ’. Despite the guest room, you couldn’t exactly take her home where her Dad’s attorney was no doubt working through his case, so it was yet another night in the bunk room.

You got her down easily enough, staying with her until she was actually asleep, though she’d made you promise you’d stay in the room with her, not return to your desk. Not wanting to have to deal with another melt down, you decided paperwork by lamp light was the best option. Your floor of the precinct was empty except for the two of you and a desk sergeant who was rotating between floors. The final silence of the building seeped through your bones and before you knew it you were asleep on a case file.

*

Rita’s forehead furrowed at the sound of keys in the lock, her brow cocking up at the sight of you entering the apartment.

“Thought you weren’t coming home tonight.” She huffed in annoyance, turning her attention immediately back to her work. The sound of your keys being hastily thrown onto the island nearly caused her to jump, 

“Hope you’re happy.” You grumbled, “your client’s off the hook. Lily killed herself.”

“What?” Her gaze shot up to you, concern and confusion written across her face, noting that you hadn’t moved from the opposite end of the island. “Did she leave a note?”

“Yeah.” You scoffed, “addressed specifically to me.”

“Sweetheart, you can’t blame yourself for this.”

“Don’t start Rita.” You shook your head, “I don’t blame myself here. I blame _your client_. He’s the asshole who did this!”

“We have a rule…” she half warned.

“Fuck the rule!” Your voice shook heavily, tears blurring into your eyes, every resolve within you cracking. “Your client raped and abused Lily for _years_! The thought of having to face him in a courtroom, having to go through every single horrible thing that he did to her… _again…_ that’s what drove a _nine_ year old to climb to the roof of the precinct and jump to her fucking death. While I was supposed to be watching her. And now? The bastard gets to walk, or you’ll cut some bullshit deal and he’ll end up with probation when he should be charged with a fucking murder.”

“I’m just doing my job.” Rita’s voice hardened but you could hear the cracks within it. You both knew what was coming.

“And I’m doing mine.” You practically growled, “whatever.” You turned from the island, “I didn’t come home to break a rule and have a fight, I came to pick up a few things.”

“Are you going _back_ to the precinct?”

“All things considered Liv sent me home, told me to take a day.”

Rita sighed shakily, her pen finding place on the counter as she spoke, her voice softer this time, enough that it made you stop in your tracks before you reached the hallway.

_“I think I’ve seen this film before…and I didn’t like the ending.”_

“Who were we kidding?” You turned back to her, tears in your eyes as your voice shook, “we’ve had to fight so fucking hard every goddamn day for the past four years to make this work.”

“We chose to not talk about joint cases and that left us hiding parts of ourselves from each other, there would always be some kind of secret keeping, a piece of our souls left unbeared.”

_“We always walked a very thin line.”_

“Are you sure?” Rita could barely meet your eye as she asked, her interior crumbling as she admitted to herself that this was probably a long time coming, even if you’d both chosen to ignore it, _you didn’t even see the signs._

“God no!” You choked through a cry, “I want to be able to be open with you, I want to cry and have you tell me that it’s all going to be okay, that we’ll get the guy.”

“I can’t just drop this case. Or turn down my clients when they pop up in SVU investigations.”

“I know. And I’m not asking you to. I’ve never been one to villainize someone just because they work for the defence. But I can’t keep fighting for something that’s not complete…and it’s not fair for you to do so either.”

“I hope you know that I never wanted this day to come.” Rita cracked, tears slipping over her cheeks, “I simply hoped we would be able to ignore the elephant in the room until it legally couldn’t be brought up.”

“Spousal privilege would’ve just made it worse and you know it.” You swiped at your tears, swallowing down a sob, “I’m so sorry.”

“Me too.” She sniffled, closing her eyes for a moment to try and retain the tears, “you staying at Amanda’s?” You shook your head.

“She didn’t leave her keys. I’ll just book a room somewhere.”

“No.” Rita flipped her case files shut, piling up any work she knew she’d need, “I’ll go.”

“Rita I can afford a fucking hotel.”

There it was, the other branch of your relationship that had it nearly doomed from the start. Money. It wasn’t that you didn’t make a lot, or couldn’t afford things, it was just that you’d worked your way to where you were. You budgeted whereas Rita not only made bank at work, but came from family money, she had to nearly instantly scale back on the amount of small yet pricey gifts she started bringing you early on. You’d both learnt how to balance that branch out easier, but it was still always something that rocked the boat. Rita wanted to spoil you, treat you like the princess you were, and you saw it as barely anything over being a charity case.

She tucked the papers under her arm, swiping the half full glass of scotch as she hesitantly moved toward you, passing you the drink.

“It’s not about money, you deserve a night in your own bed. You’ve had way worse of a day than I did. You look like hell.” Now that she was up close she could really see the puffiness of your eyes, the smudged mascara underneath, there was a tiny splattering of blood on the hem of your shirt and she felt like she was breaking completely again. “Just give me a moment.”

Instead of moving down the hall, she froze, the sudden proximity of you to each other had you both second guessing everything. Along with the heightened emotions of the evening, the mental exhaustion you were both feeling, it made sense to want to fall into the other’s embrace. Instead it was an extended moment of your eyes meeting, tears streaking down your already tear stained cheeks, an incredibly wavering breath as Rita’s forehead met yours gently. A world of unspoken words rocking between you, heavy breaths and silent cries taking up the space before her hand softly cupped the back of your head and she laid a kiss on your forehead.

“I’m so, so sorry.” She murmured and you glanced up at her, hating that this was happening, but knowing it had to.

“I’ll never forget what we had.”

She opened her lips as if to reply but slowly blinked instead, swallowing back the words before hesitantly moving around you and down the hall. You sucked back a shaky breath, moving to brace yourself against the kitchen island, sipping back the amber liquid, relishing in the way it burned down your throat. As soon as Rita exited the bedroom and disappeared into the office you flitted down the hall, locking yourself in the ensuite bathroom, hoping the sound of the shower would cover up the sounds of your sobs, not having the strength left in you to actually say goodbye.

The shower didn’t help, the bathroom sharing a wall with the home office, Rita choking back her own cry as she quickly grabbed what she needed. Her eyes scanned the apartment one last time, gulping back a surge of emotion before she swung the door shut, making sure it was securely locked behind her. This wasn’t how she’d wanted today to go, it wasn’t how she wanted _any,_ day to go, but the longer she thought about it, the more she analyzed it, you were both lucky it didn’t blow up in a court room. And that you were able to break things off privately rather than in front of half the squad room. 

*

You found out a day later that both Barba and Benson were as pissed and fired up about the situation as you were. Barba filed a few motions with a Judge and was able to get Lily’s suicide note admitted as a dying declaration, but they would need your testimony on top of it. Her testimony prep and conversations the night she’d jumped would pad the case with what they needed, along with the outcry statement you’d taken in the ambulance.

While you waited the week for the trial to start, you got used to finding small notes on your desk, a date and a time scrawled in Rita’s writing of when she was planning on coming by the apartment to collect more things. While you hadn’t discussed the bigger issues of splitting up physical belongings, it was still too painful for either of you, she still needed access to her stuff, and you weren’t about to keep her out. It was technically her apartment. 

The day you had to take the stand you were an anxious disaster of a mess, your hands shaking as you accepted the coffee from Rafael. He’d wanted to go over a few more things last minute since you seemed pretty shaky and it was only when he snapped at you and noticed the tears in your eyes that he asked you what was _really_ going on. You were surprised when you found out Rita hadn’t told him about the break up.

What surprised you even more was once he was finished your questioning while you were in the box was that Rita declared that ‘ _the defence has no questions for this witness.’_ Your brow furrowed as you looked toward her table, actually looking at her for the first time since she’d left the apartment. In the brief second she barely met your eyes you could see the exhaustion, the sadness seeping through them and you wondered if she was doing this for you or for her own sanity. You knew she was a shark, she would know _exactly_ what buttons to push to break you in front of the jury, make it seem like your entire testimony was a sham, _especially_ on this case. All of two sentences was all it would take for her to turn back to her table with a smirk on her face knowing she’d won the case, but instead, the Judge cleared you to step down.

*

When the jury came back, Rita knew you were in the gallery, your hand probably clenched in Olivia’s since there was no victim or mother of the victim to comfort. You’d need each other on a day like today, awaiting the results, praying that this scumbag was being sent to prison, but she didn’t dare look back, keeping her eyes on the head juror. Her ears picked up the tell tale sounds of your boots on the floor, the squeak of the courtroom door the instant they announced not guilty…on _all charges._ Her heart plummeted into her stomach, she knew the people were stretching with the manslaughter charge, but for three years of abuse to go completely unjustified didn’t seem fair, even if it was her client.

She knew exactly where she would find you, over the years you’d both discovered a back hallway of the courthouse, one that had no offices lining it. It was a lonely place leading out to the side door when one needed to duck the press but knew there would likely be paparazzi waiting out the back. It was one that not a lot of people knew about. At first it became your little secret place to meet when you were working different cases, small giggles and secret kisses, stolen moments during a recess that you wouldn’t get otherwise. The heavier days it was a place where one of you would find the other, reminding them just how loved they were, how good at their job they were, and that it wasn’t their fault. 

Today even the sound of her Manolo’s on the marble couldn’t pull your attention, your legs pulled up under you as you picked at your nails, staring off into space. The smell of her perfume filling your nose confirming the thought you already knew, that it was her standing in front of you.

“May I?” She asked softly, gesturing to the bench.

“Yeah.” You murmured, wiping away the tears on your cheek. She sat down with a heavy sigh, careful to not be too close to you but also not as if she was straying away.

“For what it’s worth…I didn’t think he was going to walk. Thought you guys had it in the bag.”

“Then why not cross me?” You turned your head, meeting her sorrowful gaze with your own.

“Because I would never exploit our personal relationship or my knowledge of your pain to win a case. You know that.”

“Guess I just thought….all things considered.” You shrugged, wiping another tear from your face.

“Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you.” It was all but a whisper, barely echoing against the hallway.

“I love you…I really do.” You glanced up at her again, “but… _you’re not my homeland anymore.”_

“I know.” Her eyes were glassy, her voice shook as she nodded, “I uh..need to swing by the apartment tomorrow, pick up a couple more things.”

“Don’t worry about it.” You untucked your legs, placing your feet back on the floor, “I found a place on the West side. I’m staying with Rollins til it’s ready.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” You swallowed back a breath, “it’s your apartment after all.” Rita couldn’t help it, her hand reaching out, squeezing reassuringly at your knee without even thinking about it, the contact nearly shattering both of your hearts all over again.

“I know that…gifts…were part of the problem, but…” her hand delved into her purse, pulling a small blue box from within, “these were supposed to be for Valentine’s Day.” Your hands daintily plucked it from hers, turning it around in your fingers as you drank it in, your now free hand naturally curved into hers, dropping down onto the bench.

“Thanks.” You murmured, tucking it into your blazer pocket, “yours is hiding in the bowl of the mix master.” The tiniest huff of a laugh puffed through her lips, knowing that anywhere within baking pans was the perfect place to keep something hidden from her. 

“I’m sorry this had to end the way it did.”

“So am I.” Your phone pinged so loudly you almost jumped, glancing at it quickly, “that’s Benson…she’s waiting for me. _I’m leaving out the side door.”_

The two of you stood from the bench, your hand still clasped gently within Rita’s, your thumb rubbing at her knuckles as you turned to face each other. Before either of you could really process it her hand was caressing your cheek, your lips meeting in the world’s most tender kiss, a positive memory for you to both hold onto as you tried to move on with your lives. You took a breath, gathering your bearings as you dropped Rita’s hand, glancing up at her.

“We won’t forget each other, right?”

“Not in a million years.” She gave you the best smile she could muster up, but it didn’t meet her eyes. She did her best to stay strong, to not let the tears threatening to fall start, she still had to talk to the press, and you had to make it past your Captain without a line of extensive questioning. 

“I guess…this really is good bye then?”

“Yeah.”

Rita remained tight lipped as you nodded, your lip quivering before you quickly turned from her, nearly jogging down the hallway. She watched you disappear down the stairs before the sound of the door dropping shut echoed throughout the empty space. 

Taking a shuddering breath she shook her head, blinking back the tears hiding in her eyes, she still had a job to finish before she could head home. Once there she would be able to let it out, to finally accept that you were gone, that everything you’d once had together was no more. _There was no amount of crying that she could do for you._

You were now part of each other’s history, though one that would sting for a very long time. The only thing harder than moving on while still regularly having to work alongside each other was having to say goodbye in the first place and it destroyed both of you even more.


End file.
